I am such a noob, as you know.
Thank God I have a brother in you.
Fidgety facial muscles. They always shift when I focus my thoughts on my face during conversation. Instead of looking into the eyes of the person, I gaze to the right and left nervously, frantically. I try to relax my face, awkwardly clutching - with my index finger and thumb - at the flab of skin on my left cheek. My anxiety mirrors in his face, and I am mortified.
Even now, thinking about what my face has been doing in the past few months triggers tremors. My nose wiggles a bit and my mouth sits uncomfortably. I have resorted to telling people around me that I have developed resting bitch face syndrome. In truth, I’m just emotionally worn out from throwing around my own heart, hurting others’, and not being able to forgive myself for it. I’m tired from wanting to give all the time (and constantly failing at it) and not knowing how to receive properly.
Lately, I feel so unnatural when striving to appear kind to kids and polite to adults, things that I was taught and shown while growing up. I force myself to smile, but often the smile won’t form. The twitching comes back, and I hate myself again.
I need to stop focusing so much energy on figuring out how to change myself. Perhaps, if I accepted my emotional and mental condition for what they are rather than what I want them to be, then I could learn to smile genuinely.
But, alas, I still maintain the resting bitch face.
Times like this when I miss Justin. Fuck a fake friend. No roots there.